A Dane's Adventures in Middle Earth
by Nixie the Bloody Pixie
Summary: The normal problems of a teenage-girl is completely forgotten when Freja Hansen is thrown into Middle Earth by an old gypsy. What will she do now that she is surrounded by hotties? What about her family? What about her friends? And hey, is that a golden ring that Hobbit is holding?


Alright everyone, prepare to be visiting the local hospital's mental department because by reading this you sure as hell need it! This will be written in English but some phrases will be Danish since the main character will be from my country!

"English"

(Danish will be marked with an **(AN)** and it will be explained what it means in the author's note at the bottom!)

**I sure as hell down own Lord of the Rings! If I did then trust me when I say that the journey wouldn't have been so long, and Legolas would be my BFF, which sadly isn't the case right now, but I'm thinking about making a Dimension Door that goes beyond the 4th Wall!**

* * *

Chapter 1: Timetravel, flashback and hotties

'_The sky is different.'_

That was the very first thing that shot to my mind as I slowly blinked to get used to the bright light that shined down on me, and as I lay there on the ground with no fucking clue what was going on, or where I even was. As soon as I sat up the world started spinning, and with a groan I clutched my head.

"Fuck... my head…" I muttered and felt something slide down my lower arm, and I looked confused down at my arm only to widen my eyes, and then I... and then I screamed as highpitched as I could.

I was dressed in the strangest dress ever that looked like it had been taken right out of the Medieval Era with its long sleeves and strange design. It was long, – it reached my god damn ankles! – and it was green, and I was flabbergasted beyond comprehension.

"Wha-…" I started out just as some bushes started moving, and with a squeal I ran towards the nearest thing to hide from whatever was on its way towards me. I could hear male voices shout to each other, and one of the voices sounded oddly Scottish for some reason, while a lot others sounded like American accents, as well as a few British.

"Hvad Helvede?" **(AN1)** I muttered as I peeked out behind that boulder I had hid behind, only to have my eyes widen like fucking saucers.

There, right before me, stood none other than Orlando Bloom in all his blonde glory dressed up like Legolas from Lord of the Rings, and I just about swooned when I saw who else was there.

Out of the bushes ran a dark-haired man, who was in dire need of a good shaving, and had a badass longsword ready in his worn hands.

'_Viggo – fucking – Mortensen?! What the hell is going on here!?' _

Again the bushes moved to reveal four small faces, that made me want to giggle like a schoolgirl in love by their cute innocent faces.

They were all there… Elijah Wood, Sean Astin, Billy Boyd, and Dominic Monaghan! The four most adorable characters in the entire franchise!

"Strider, are you sure you heard something that sounded like a woman?" Billy Boyd – no Pippin! – asked as he yanked in Aragorn's torn and ragged sleeve, and Aragorn nodded slowly.

"Laddie, why're yer even chasin' lasses, huh? I thought that you already had one." Gimli – _OMIGOSH John Rhys-Davies_! – grunted when he emerged from the bushes as well, followed by the dear old wizard known as Gandalf, and... was that Boromir? Wow, he looked much hotter in real life!

"Yes I am quite sure. See this, Master Dwarf? A female lay here, alone, until something startled her so she… ran this way." Aragorn said as he pointed towards the tree where I probably was hiding, – I had hid behind the tree as soon as Gimli and Gandalf arrived – and then I could hear someone step closer.

'_Oh shit they're gonna think I'm some kind of thief! If I say anything about the Ring, they are probably gonna kill me! What the hell do I do?'_

I was so absorbed in my thoughts that I didn't hear Aragorn walk around the tree, and then stop up, surprised might I add, when he saw me.

"What in the World of… My Lady, who are you?"

I looked up at Aragorn's face, and paled visibly. What should I say? They would probably kill me! What should I do?

"Oh… err… Hi there…" I peeped out as I looked at him with wide eyes, and then he reached out for me with his hand. Instead of yanking my hair and demanding what the hell I was doing here like I had imagined, he instead gently helped me up and lead me around the tree so his companions could see who I was.

"I believe that this is what we heard. You have quite the voice, young lady." Aragorn chuckled, and I felt my cheeks burn in embarrassment when all the men laughed at me.

"Who are you?" Merry asked, and I froze. Should I tell them that I was a human from Planet Earth, who had an unhealthy love for Hobbits, and Dwarfs, and Elves, and… and Evil Lords of Infinite Doom? Yeah... I was so screwed.

"Well um… you see I… err how should I explain this?" I stammered out as I began scratching the back of my head while looking at the ground with a sheepish look on my face without a doubt, and I saw the confused looks they all were giving me.

"Look, _woman_, just tell us who you are, dammit." Boromir growled, and I felt my pride light up like a beacon. He was not so hot anymore, that's for sure!

"Now you listen here, you pompous _jerk_, and you listen close! Just because whoever decided to design humans like this gave males something between their legs, it doesn't mean that you are superior to me! There's no way in HELL that I am going to let you patronize me, and I especially doesn't care that you are son of Gondor's Steward!" I roared as I glared right into his shocked eyes, and could hear snickers of laughter behind me. The Hobbits were enjoying this without a doubt, and I loved it!

"To your information then I am a free woman! I normally have a high tolerance for arrogant men, but you top it off completely!" I continued, and if Boromir felt sorry for himself now then he had no idea what was coming his way. For the better part of the next fifteen minutes I ranted about him being insensible to women, treating them like nothing more than expendable toys, and God knows what else, so when I drew breath in to continue, it seemed that Aragorn had taken pity on the poor man, and stepped in between Boromir and I, before I could start my tirade once again.

"We still need to know who you are, young lady, so if you could stop your speech for just a few moments, we can be on our way once again." Aragorn said – masterfully manipulating the blessed ability called diplomacy – and motioned for all to sit down. Not surprisingly Boromir sat as far away from me as possible without being overly rude, but he kept on shooting dark glares towards me, and Gimli when the dwarf began discussing some of points I had made with Legolas. The Elven Prince didn't reply, but the light in his eyes told me that he found it strangely amusing.

"Now that we all are seated, then please tell us who you are." Gandalf said peacefully, and I nodded slowly as I sat down beside him, and looked down at my clenched hands in my lap.

'_There was that Elf Name Generator I once looked up on the internet… what was the name I got…?'_ I thought to myself as I searched my memory for anything that might help me remember.

_Gil…_

My eyes snapped open when I felt something inside my head pop up, and I waited for a few moments I waited for the voice to finish.

_Gilraen…_

"My name is Gilraen. It's nice to meet you all." I said with a smile, and Lord Almighty I could feel the tension wheeze out of the whole bunch of men.

"Well then, Lady Gilraen, how can it be that you have the name of an Elf when you're clearly human?" Legolas asked, and I felt my cheeks warm as I tried coming up with a decent cover story.

"Well you see… my parents once knew a female elf, and therefore they decided to name me after her. At least that's what they told me before they succumbed to sickness a few years ago." I explained, and watched as the Elf Prince's head nodded slowly.

"Where are you headed?" Gandalf asked softly as the Gray Wizard seemed to look me over, and I frowned in confusion as I tried searching my memory for what had happened not even half an hour ago.

"That's strange… I don't remember. Everything is just fuzzy." I muttered, and began rubbing my temples but nothing happened. I didn't remember a damn thing.

"Amnesia? How can we know that she is telling the truth?" Boromir grumbled from his side of the camp, but Frodo - God bless his soul! - shot a glare at the taller male, before he looked at me with the kindest eyes I had ever seen before.

As I smiled kindly back to the young Hobbit I felt something irritate the back of my head, and when I rubbed it I suddenly felt something hit me like a ton of fucking bricks.

**flashback**

_My life sucked. _

_Seriously there was no other way to describe my screwed up life, even if the person who knew most words in the whole world tried to get a better word to describe it. But here I stood before the mirror I had inherited from my deceased granny, and stared at my face. _

_There, right on the very tip of my nose, was the biggest zit I had ever laid eyes on, and it freaked me out alright!_

"_Somebody fucking _kill me_!" I whimpered as I began fantasizing about what would happen in school. I could already picture the mocking laughs of my classmates, the snickers from the older and younger kids, and how the day's first teacher would widen his/her eyes in shock when they saw the calamity currently residing on my nose._

"_Perhaps I should try and get rid of it…" I wondered, only to shudder as I imagined the bright red nose I would get after the deed was done, not to mention marks in my skin after my nails. No. The zit would have to stay. _

_With a groan I went to my closet, and threw out something I didn't get a clear view of before I dragged my sorry ass to the bathroom where a long shower, and a big amount of Clearasil was going to be my two new best friends until the holy horror that was my nose decided to stop humiliating me. _

"_Freja! Don't use all the hot water, a'right?" _

_I heard my lovely sister's screeching voice pierce my eardrums, and with a few curses I stopped the water down halfway and poked my head out of the shower stall as I prepared to give her a piece of my mind, just as a wave of cold, icy water hit my happily warm and wet body. With a loud combination of a squeal and a lot of colorful words I darted out of the stall, and quickly wrapped my towel around me as I stood with shampoo still in my hair and parts of soapy foam covered on my shoulders and stuff. _

"_Signe, I am going to kill you!" I screamed furiously as I already knew that she had tinkered with our boiler, and swore that I heard her giggle before the warm water returned after a few minutes of me standing there only wrapped in a towel, and I quickly finished washing up before I dried myself in record time, and smeared Clearasil all over my face before stomping out in the living room where Signe was sitting dressed in her pajamas, and with a sly smirk spread over her face. _

"_Just because you finished school doesn't mean that you can ruin other peoples' morning, you moron!" I snarled as I stomped past her with as much dignity as possible, and slammed the door after myself. _

"_Stupid sister, and her goddamn pranks!" I grumbled as I pulled on the clothes I had found before heading to the disaster area that was called a bathroom, and quickly tamed my curly hair with my brush. _

_God – or whoever the hell controlled the higher-ups – seemed to love messing with me because not only did I have to deal with a bazillion zits throughout the year, but he also decided to give me curly hair that always was a pain in the ass to make behave. Of course it didn't make it better that I couldn't use anything to straighten my hair, no matter what I did._

_My hair reached just above my waist, and was brown. Plain brown with a few undertones of some other brown, which was then mashed together with yet another tone of brown. My eyes however were a whole other ordeal. I was the family's freaky kid, since my eyes were mismatched. Yeah you heard me right, I have mismatched eyes, which immediately makes me the crazy kid! (My parents obviously love me, am I right?) _

_The left was a murky green while the left was a clear blue with a few dots of gray and flecks of gold, if you looked close enough. _

_As I already said… I'm a freak. _

_Even my hobbies were borderlining the insane! But hey, the Lord of the Rings-franchise was great! The rest of the family were really into nationalism so it was only Viggo Mortensen__**(AN2)**__ who was the greatest actor in that movie, since he was part Danish or something like that..._

_My family consisted of my hyper religious mother Emma, my just as ridiculously religious father Kristian, and then of course my elder sister Signe who, without a doubt, was just as insane as the two other whacky idiots. _

"_Freja, get a move on! You're gonna be late for school!" Signe shouted from the living room, and with a silent snarl I threw a pair of sandals out through my door, and grinned when a yell of pain was heard followed by a swarm of insults and curses. _

"_Oh put a sock through it, Signe!" I shouted before dodging my sandals that came flying right back towards my face, and I quickly finished pulling on some socks and jeans, before I darted out to the kitchen where I found a note left by my Mum. _

'_Hi sweeties_

_I left my card on top of the oven if you want takeout. Dad and I will be home around 7_

_Lots of love from Mum'_

"_I've already taken the card, Freja! See ya later!" Signe shouted before gunshots and moans could be heard as she started one of the many zombie survival games she had brought with her, after she had been thrown out of her apartment-buddies. _

"_Yeah… later." I grumbled as I ran out of the door, and quickly unlocked my bike standing beside the front door. _

_oOo_

"_You've gotta be kidding me! We're gonna do _**what**_?" I shouted as I stared at the eyeballs before me in the jars. _

"_It's no biggie, Freja! I promise that you only have to cut up the first, and then I'll take the rest! Pretty please!" Hannah begged as my Asian friend looked up at me with those adorable brown eyes of hers. _

"_You are evil, Hannah! I don't care what the others say! You. Are. Evil. End of story!" I moaned as I grabbed the rubber gloves she handed me, and I swallowed heavily as the eyeballs stared right up at me. _

"_Ox-eyes… what the hell possessed our teacher?" I muttered as I grabbed a scalpel, and an eyeball from the jar. _

_In the background of the class I could hear some of the guys betting 100 kr. __**(AN3) **__to the guy who dared drinking the fluid that the eyes were floating around in. The whole bunch of them were morons if you asked me, and yet it seemed that most of the girls in my class was all giddy over them like when they showed off with soccer, and stuff like that._

"_Ewwwwww!" I moaned as I cut open the eyeball as carefully as possible, and then I got out the clear, jelly-like orb inside it. _

_oOo_

_"I promise I'll train extra hard, Dad! I almost missed it!" _

_"Don't sweat it, sweetheart. You'll get it the next time, I'm sure. I mean, the wind can't always control the arrow, now can it?" _

_I watched my father look at me a few moments before his attention was brought back to the road._

_"Yeah... but my archery-skills have to get much, much better!" I said defiantly, and grinned together with my father as his booming laughter sounded in the dry summer-night. _

_oOo_

_The old gypsy-woman glared at me with dark eyes as she started ranting about something, and I felt a sense of dread spread in my body as I began backing away from her. _

"_Crazy woman!" I muttered as I turned around, before the old woman spoke in horrible Danish to me. _

_"Duh viil møde stur prøøvelse i liv!" **(AN4) **_

_I froze before a wave of dizziness hit me like a ton of bricks, and then I saw nothing but darkness before my eyes._

*end of flashback*

"No, no, no, no, no!" I began whimpering as I fell on my knees while clutching my head, before I felt my temper begin to stir, and then I jumped back up on my feet before I started cursing as loud as I could up in the sky.

"Din forbandede kælling! Hvis jeg nogenside finder dig igen, skal jeg få dig til at føle helt nye aspekter i smerte! For satan da også!" **(AN5)**

As my new tirade continued on where I demonstrated my colorful Danish vocabulary, I felt someone yank in my long sleeve. I glanced in the direction of the movement, and was met by horrified expressions on the four Hobbits faces.

"What is it?" I grunted while glaring at every single one of them with irritated eyes, and then Gimli finally mustered enough courage to approach me, despite some of the others warnings.

"Lassie, what in the world was it you just rambled about? I have never in my life heard that language, but from what I can tell then it wasn't just normal words ye just yelled out. Care to tell us what you were sayin'?" Gimli grunted, and I felt the embarrassment start to redden my cheeks so I laughed nervously, and scratched the back of my head as I looked at them all.

"Well... I'm not exactly from here. I'm from a land north from Middle Earth."

Only Aragorn and Gandalf seemed to know what the hell I was talking about, and with a small smirk the Gray Wizard began explaining.

"There is nothing to fear from this young woman, my fellow companions, for she is from a land far to the north where the winter is harsh, and the inhabitants fierce. **(No shit regarding winter, we have had nothing but almost 6 feet tall snow piles the last few years around that time!)**

"Do you mean the Vikings? There's no longer any of those guys left back home, except wax-dolls on museums." I said with confusion evident in my eyes, and Gandalf seemed quite shaken by that.

"The last time I was there, it seemed that these Vikings were both numerous and without any threats to their existence." he muttered as he leaned against the rock I had been hiding behind, and then got lost in his thoughts.

"It'll get dark soon. Shouldn't we set camp here, and when we get to a village Lady Gilraen can stay there." Legolas asked as he shot me some strange looks, and I shot him just a as strange look right back.

"I can help get some dinner. I can use a bow and arrow." I offered, and was met by quite a lot of strange looks.

"What?"

The Hobbits looked surprised at me, and rubbed the back of their heads as sheepish looks appeared on their adorable small faces.

"Just because I'm a girl, doesn't mean that I'm completely helpless." I said with amusement clear in my voice, and then I began giggling as the Fellowship's members made the strangest of faces. Gandalf joined me in my amusement too as the old coot began snickering behind that huge beard of his. I suddenly remembered when a friend of me and myself had argued about who would win a Battle Royale. Gandalf or Dumbledore had been the candidates, and nearly all the votes was thrown at Gandalf.

Oh this was gonna be a trip to remember...

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**(AN1) **directly translated it means "What the Hell?"

**(AN2) **go to Wikipedia and type in Viggo Mortensen

**(AN3) **kr. (kroner) is Denmark's currency. Even though Denmark is part of the E.U. the Danes refused to let the Euro become their official currency in 1973, and it was therefore changed so we could hold on to the kr. when we joined the E.U.

**(AN4) **directly translated it means "You will meet great trials in your life!" but this is badly spelled so don't try and speak like this unless you want a horde of angry Vikings coming at ya! (just kidding!)

**(AN5) **directly... err... translated it means "You damn bitch! If I ever get to see you again I am going to make you feel whole new aspects of pain! God dammit!" Also I don't approve of anyone talking like that but hey... Freja (or Gilraen) is pretty pissed at the moment.

I hope you enjoyed the chapter guys! Please review if you wanna read some more craziness!


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